Let’s talk about one of the scariest things around dating: how to text a woman you’re interested in.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worried that I’m texting her too little and she’s going to forget about me, or I’m texting her too often and she’s going to think I’m clingy, or even that I’m texting her something that gets taken the wrong way and now she’s super offended at an innocent comment I made.

And the worst of all is when you text her and she doesn’t respond…for…several hours. When that happens, all I can think about is basically,

• “Did she see my text? Maybe she didn’t see it yet.”
• “Is she busy? What is she doing?”
• “Why hasn’t she responded yet? OMG she probably hates me.”

Yeah, my internal monologue basically becomes a mess at that point. If you do this too, I’ve got some good news for you.

The good news about texting her

The good news is that texting a woman you like isn’t actually as high-stakes as it seems! Sure, writing a text message can feel as scary as drafting a letter to a villain who’s taken the world hostage, but it actually matters a lot less than you may think.

You see, texting her is somewhat like sending a thank-you note after a job interview. It matters somewhat, but what really makes a difference is how you connected with the other person during the actual interview.

Same thing applies to dating. How you text her between dates matters a little bit, but how you connect during actual dates matters—so much more—that she’ll often overlook a “bad” text message if you two really get along in-person. It’s the same as if you were texting a friend or loved one. If you send a text to a friend that turns out to be weird, they might comment on it but they’re not going to stop being your friend right?

Right.

Okay, okay, I get it. You hear what I’m saying about texting not being as “high-stakes” as it seems…but how do you actually do it? Let me show you.

How to text a woman you’re interested in

A good rule of thumb is to text her with around the same frequency she texts you. If she texts you a lot, then text her a lot back. That allows her to keep you in mind while also preventing you from coming off as clingy.

You’ll want to keep your text messages simple, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship. Nothing too clever or fancy. Over text you lose all those visual and audio cues that you’d usually have when talking to someone, so it’s very easy for something that was obviously intended to be a joke to be taken the wrong way when read via text message.

Here’s a quick and easy way to see what her texting style is. Send her something simple such as “Hey, how was your day today?” Very simple and straightforward. See how she responds. Does she send you paragraph after paragraph about how her day went? Then she might enjoy texting very often. Or, does she keep her responses very short and to-the-point? In that case, don’t flood her too much with text messages then.

To illustrate, here’s a few random examples of texting conversations between me and my wife from back when we were still dating. Notice how simple they are and how they’re mainly used for planning purposes rather than any long conversations (those took place on our actual dates):

Finally, the one time I would recommend making a joke over text is when you call her but she doesn’t answer. Seeing “Missed Call” on your phone with no info can be scary, so I made a little joke here to lighten the mood:

It totally feels terrifying to text someone you’re interested in, especially during the beginning stages of the relationship. Relax! Follow the guidelines above and remember that texting is secondary to your actual in-person connection.

Get that right and she’ll definitely want to see you again soon.